A testimony I wrote for our church "Purity Conference" July 28, 2011
Year 1981 22nd of November, a very precious gift was given to a Christian couple and they named her Abigail, a Hebrew name which means Father's joy. And that's me! am so blessed to be raised in a home with strong Christian background. Church was like an extension of home. Sunday school, Vacation Bible School and church choir is a large part of my childhood. To top it all, I even went to Christian elementary school. My life seems so safe and Satan free. I enjoyed the innocence of the so called “first love” with a school heartthrob and a wonderful friendship with my mom that I'll tell her everything about me.
Year 1993, high school was a challenge. I was finally out of my comfort zone. At this point of life I was exposed to a world I'm not so familiar with. I felt so alienated and struggled a lot. There's a list of dos and do nots I need to follow. Do not go there, do not watch that, do not say that, do not sing that and a whole lot of do nots. And honestly, I do not like them. It was tough to follow with my curiosity at it's peek. Instead of me being open to my parents especially my mom, I tend to keep things to myself out of fear particularly when I do the do nots.
I have number of crushes during HS but I promised myself not to have a boyfriend until I reach 18. I thought getting older means being smarter. I even prayed for my childhood crush and believed that he will be my future husband because God gave me "the signs". Then he had his girlfriend and that broke my heart. On my last year in college, I felt so tired waiting for my God's Best (that's what I used to call it). Instead of believing God's truth that He wants the best for me I chose to believe Satan's lie "Hey! don't you know God is withholding a good thing for you". That's when I tried to be in a no-label relationship with a friend, thinking it was harmless and that I'm just expanding my choices because it seems number of Christian boys are significantly small. Few months before graduation from college, my dad found out about it and I've seen how heartbroken he was for me. I knew I have to stop. After college I was left alone, full of guilt and with diminished confidence to myself.
Year 2003, with a college degree, a job and my clock ticking I got more impatient and proud. A co-worker was my first official boyfriend. Even with tons of differences and without parents approval, I convinced myself that he is the one. I compromised a “lot” just not to admit that I was wrong. I've done things I shouldn't do and gone to places I shouldn't go. I become an expert in pretending, I continue to serve God while enjoying the world. I felt so in control, like I have life switches that I can just turn on and off. It's like I'm living 2 lives and seriously it was so exhausting.
Year 2007, everything in my life seems to fall apart, relationship issues within family, my Mama diagnosed with breast cancer, my workplace shutting down, what else can happen? That same year before I move to my new workplace I've caught my boyfriend cheating on me. I was so crushed and confused. Because of my sins, I couldn't cry to God for help. It was easy for Satan to convince me that "Now that I've fallen, God has no use for me" Though I'm wounded and in pain I settle for the easiest escape, pretending like nothing happened. I thought I’ll be left with nothing if I leave. But without healing, my heart was hardened like stone. I can't trust, I can't forgive, lying even to myself seems a natural thing. I'm recklessly living my life seeking affirmation with wrong relationships like there's no hope for the future to the point of even asking "Does God really exists?"
Year 2009, after 13 long years I met a long lost friend. For good time’s sake we went out and talk, we tried to catch up on how our lives are doing. We met again few days before he left, then pops his very surprising question. "How's your spiritual life?" he asked. I was torn of telling him the ugly truth or telling him a lie, so I just simply answered "I'm still in church". Then he asked another question, "How's your love life?". It was strange that I can't keep secrets from him. Suddenly I was crying telling him my ugly truth. It was the first time I told anybody about all these secrets I've been keeping. And then he said to me, "I can’t leave without telling you these, you might not be the same Abigail I knew before but it doesn't change the fact that you are God's precious daughter". Flashback of my childhood came to my mind, the time when I was so fragile, so naïve, so deep in love with God and I cried more.
A psalm from the Bible clearly says
"The king is enthralled by your beauty; honor him, for he is you lord... all glorious is the princess within a chamber; her gown is interwoven with gold. In embroidered garments she is led to the king."
I heard like it was God himself telling me these words “You are beautiful”. “You are my delightful princess.”
For the longest time I forgot to believe these truth. How awesome to know my value in God's eyes. But at the same time it was also disheartening that I failed to conduct myself as such. That same night I talked to God. I felt so strange talking to him again like this. I repeatedly say that I miss Him, I love Him and that I'm so sorry for all my wrong doings. I can't stop thanking him for taking care of me even I failed him a lot. I was like a child crying and hugged by her father. It was a relief confessing that I am a mess of magnificent proportion and that I have God's wonderful forgiveness.
Finally, I made a personal decision to break all the ties that binds me to an impure and unworthy life. It was hard because I've hurt people in the process. It took a while for other people to understand, even my own family. I was even judged by others. It's only by God's grace I made it through.
Year 2010 30th of June, I made these covenant to God and to the school heartthrob, my long lost friend, my husband Victor
And I promise to be true to you,
to live a life in purity as unto you
Waiting for the day till I hear you say
Here is the one I have created just for you
Just like what Dannah Gresh wrote in her book "Bride Wore White", purity is a process. Satan will always be there to tempt me and even use of my ugly past to lie. Please pray that God will strengthen me to keep my covenant with Him. And if I fail, that I will always remember that I am Abigail, my Father's joy and I am precious in His sight.
